No, I don’t remember. I was a blackout drinker, so there are many things I have no recollection of doing. This came up this past weekend while I was visiting my mom. She has no idea what it means to be a blackout drinker. It’s not her fault, she’s lucky enough not to be an alcoholic. She thought blacking out was equivalent to passing out until I explained exactly what it means to black out.
I would equate blacking out to sleep walking-which I actually used to do until I was about 18 years old. When I blacked out I would walk, talk, and function, but the next day I could never remember what it is I did or said. There’s nothing worse than waking up in the morning with no recollection of what you did the night before. Although this didn’t happen every time I drank, it did happen a regular basis.
I decided to be candid with my mom this weekend, when she brought up a night I have no memory of. She often brings things up that are embarrassing especially when I was heavy in my addiction, and I usually play along by pretending I remember, when really, I have no clue what she’s talking about.
We were chatting Friday night and since it was recently Ash Wednesday, she started to say remember the Ash Wednesday when you lived here? I replied, actually no, I don’t remember it at all. I told her how there are so many instances that she brings up that I truly have no memory of, and I’m extremely sorry that they have made an impact her life, but I honestly don’t remember acting or saying many things while under the influence.
I have avoided being honest about my lack of memory since I began blacking out, and I’ve made the choice that I will no longer do this. I’ve been sober for almost four years now, and by continuing to pretend I remember instances that have happened in the past, I’m not being honest with myself about my addiction.
Not being able to remember things while drunk has always made me very ashamed, but I’m not doing anything to further my recovery by continuing to pretend I remember certain events. It may seem silly to anyone reading this that it has taken me this long to realize I no longer need to lie about these things, but it once again brings to light how tricky this disease can be.
I feel as though I am comfortable in my sobriety and extremely honest with my friends and family about my addiction, but the weight I felt lifted when actually confessing to my mom that I don’t remember many things I did during my addiction was tremendous.