Some Shame Never Goes Away

It’s been a while since I posted, but overall things have been good.  I had a wonderful summer and was able to travel to many nice places, most recently Maine with my family.  While I was there, the topic of my blog came up, and although I casually mentioned that I created a blog to my mom, I never told her the name of it.  When I shared the name of it, and explained it was because people used to refer to me as Drunk Lisa in college she was extremely upset.

I knew this would be the case, hence why I never told her about it.  I now know that Drunk Lisa was a past version of myself that I have moved on from, but I’m still ashamed that I acted in a way that people called me that for such a long time.  I am also ashamed that even though my mom understands that alcohol is a disease, she still seems to think that there is something she could have done to prevent me from becoming an alcoholic.

I know this is not the case, and all I can do now is be my best self by staying sober.  Even though I’ve been sober for 4 years, there are still things that I’m very ashamed of doing during my active addiction.  These reminders will never go away, but they’re actually a great way to stay sober as they remind me what I can turn into if I do drink again.

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2 thoughts on “Some Shame Never Goes Away

  1. It has bummed me out when I have heard my dad say that he wonders if there was something he could have done to prevent me being an alcoholic. It’s so ridiculous because he’s an alcoholic–just a “functional” one. I’ve tried to explain to him and to others that I am incredibly grateful that I am an alcoholic. Some people get it, but others never will. I feel grateful to know that i am an addict–that i know my tendencies and have a solution. Normal people walk around and stay sick because there isn’t something clearly obvious like alcoholism that signals they need to change.
    Anyway, related to your post a lot. take care. x

    Like

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